The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
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do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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