I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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