dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
