I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
