My balls are so social today.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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