You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
