Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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