I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
