Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
