i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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