chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
