she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
