oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
