wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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