I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
