We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
