i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
