I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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