Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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