Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
