That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
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Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
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His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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