I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
