so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
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Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
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I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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