whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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