So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
