totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
