My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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