She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
