Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
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It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
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They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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