Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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