Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
