then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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