Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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