his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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