He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
