your thong is hanging out like whoa
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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