a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
