remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
