So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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