Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
