textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
