Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
