I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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