i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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