what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
