Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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