please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
