Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
