Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
