everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
