he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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