just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
